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Change:  For something new to emerge

Change: For something new to emerge

Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.
-Eckhart Tolle

Fundamentally we understand that change will occur during the course of our lives. Often we even seek it out, stating, “We just need a change to shake things up, to really thrive”. We want change, but on our terms. That’s the funny thing about change, we know its coming but when it does we are often unprepared for its reality.

I am one of those people who once thrived on change, I travelled often, lived in different countries and changed the trajectory of my career more than a few times. But those changes were the ones I felt in control of. I orchestrated where I wanted to live, which jobs I would apply for and where I presumed I would end up. It was change but it was controlled change. When unexpected things happened in my life however they weren’t so easy for me to embrace.

Finding myself suddenly alone, in a crappy apartment due to a failed relationship, away from family and close friends, and in a career in publishing, which was quickly going the way of the do-do bird, I wasn’t so quick to accept the chaos that was now my life. Where was that woman who always wanted to shake things up? It seemed I only liked it when I was doing the shaking. I hadn’t asked for these changes and I wasn’t even sure how to process it all.

Perhaps the saving grace was I couldn’t go back to the way things were. They were consistent and for the most part comfortable before but in my heart I knew it was not the life I wanted. I had to accept that uncontrollable changes were going to take place, with or without my consent. Rather than wallow in what had all gone wrong and attempt to glue back a relationship that was no longer working I chose to embrace where I was, knowing that, that too could change in an instant. I could not guarantee I would find someone new but I could accept my new single status and do things I had not indulged in for the sake of saving the peace between myself, and my then partner.

Those Saturday afternoon naps I always wanted to take but felt guilty about was now something I could do without anyone’s opinion but my own. I could have quiet time and read uninterrupted. Take up running again and meet new people. My new living arrangements in an apartment that was 1/4 of what I previously called home and with a bathroom that could barely fit a human being was at least all mine, warts and all. And the dying industry that my career fell into, well there were a number of approaches I could take but in the end I decided it was time to move on and move back closer to family.

The changes that had occurred in my life were for me to interpret. They were neither good nor bad they were just different. And with each change that inevitably comes my way now, I grow, learn, and become stronger for the experience.

More than a decade later my life is quite different once again. Back home in Toronto now, I find myself in a committed relationship with two young children, and a full time career on pause, as I take on the new role of stay at home mom. A year into it I can honestly say it hasn’t always gone as planned or expected.

What I thought might entail early morning yoga sessions, gourmet home cooked meals, pinterest like crafting sessions with my children and the adoration of my spouse has yet to be realized. My life in reality is more or less sweatpants, toddler tantrums, sleep deprivation and the constant battle to make a dollar out of 50 cents. Will all this change one day, of course it will. So when I am faced with days that seem challenging, frustrating or just downright painful, I know whether things are going swimmingly or trudging along, this too will change.

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